Dealing with colleagues
Introduction
Similar to a phone number, communication between colleagues requires all of the digits to be entered in the correct order. We offer you the numbers so you can handle and steer clear of unwanted behaviors. In our professional lives, we are often surrounded by people we didn’t choose. We don’t claim that you can change people. But you can change the way they react to you. Inside each of us is our best self and our worst self; and depending on the situation, both can come out. You may be one of the rare people who can make the most of irritating people if you know how to approach them. Okay, their best may not be huge, but it’s there.
Reason behind people obnoxious
These people nearly always behave in this way because they are unable to accomplish the targeted outcome. We have defined four intentions that are often relevant:
- They want to receive appreciation.
- They want to get along with others.
- To cope with a task.
- To perform it correctly.
When those intentions are thwarted or impeded, when you don’t achieve your goal, don’t do a task right, don’t get recognition, and aren’t appreciated – that triggers a stress response. And that can lead to bullying, to unrealistic promises, to tantrums or negativity. In almost all cases, it’s about someone being of one of their positive intentions being hindered. When you identify that intention and support it, you establish common ground. The constants remain the same: the desire for approval, the desire for control, the desire to get things right, the desire to get along with people. But communication has changed profoundly. It is now very easy through social media to find other people who believe in exactly the same thing as you do. The spectrum of possibilities has grown immensely to annoy others and get applause for it.
Role of social media
The problem is that it’s so easy to get social support for bad behavior. Social media has created a kind of self-absorption that leads to increased narcissism. There has been a self-absorption that creates an inflated self-image and leaves people out who don’t agree with it. We need to actively work to counteract this within ourselves. We need to really experience life instead of just seeing it on the screen.
There are different types of obnoxious people, from the complainer to the know-it-all and the martyr to the all-rolling-down tank and the exploding grenade. Which is the most difficult type – depends on what makes you uncomfortable. A tank guy won’t frighten you if you’re an assertive person yourself; on the other hand, a whiner may drive you insane. Empathy and common ground are all well and good. But people who exploit the weaknesses of others for the sheer pleasure of it are fortunately the exception.
Dealing with deniers
To deal with racists, sexists and climate change deniers, you can choose to do nothing and suffer, or you can leave or make the other person leave. The geographic solution is a legitimate coping strategy. It may difficult in the professional life.
Well, if someone sees something very differently than you do, you have to decide what’s important to you: being right yourself is wrong – or whether you want to get the best out of that person and move forward. When you label someone as a climate change denier, you put them in a box with your label. And then your label makes you not want to engage further with that person. But maybe you should rather try to find out why he thinks that way. The concept of “complex equivalence” is helpful: when I use a word, it doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it does to you. And unless you ask me what it means to me, you’ll only see what you think it means to yourself.
Finding common ground
There are other ways to interact. You could talk about any topic where you have common ground. Give what you want in return. Your two eyes each have a somewhat different perspective on the world. You can see in three dimensions as a result. Imagine your eyes arguing whose view is the right one. That’s absurd. They are both correct. And when you put them together, you see three dimensions. It’s the same with people.
Life Hacks
The pandemic has made life extremely precarious for all of us. We have no idea whether we will be able to finish this conversation or whether one of us will suddenly have a heart attack. We should try to live every moment with an attitude of gratitude, forgiveness and appreciation. That goes a long way toward smoothing out the differences between people. At this point in my life, I no longer take anything for granted. Not a day goes by that I don’t show my love to the people I love. Not a day goes by that I don’t listen to people when they talk to me. It can be frustrating to always be the one seeking conciliatory dialogue while the other person is working on their agenda or letting their own frustration out unfiltered. The best thing to do is to make the first move yourself and take it upon you: I listen better, I think better, I communicate better. If we get along with each other despite our differences, we can achieve things together that would otherwise not be possible.
It’s not so much about being pleasant for others. It’s about being more interested in others. We can be judgmental or open. When we are biased, we harm ourselves: We think someone is an idiot – then we are dealing with an idiot from now on. If we don’t think that, we have more opportunities for pleasant interactions.
How to deal with boss
Most challenges are behavioral rather than positional. And contextual: In a meeting, restaurant, individually or in a group. What’s going on in the relationship?
Some bosses react allergically when they feel criticized in a big way. Even if someone just says “Oh, that’s great, you know what else we could do?”. But in private, they’re then quite open-minded when the consultant says, “Frank, your idea is crap. And what you did in the board meeting is wrong.” So there’s something going on there that has to do with ego. In a meeting with all his bosses, the CEO is in a different behavioral zone than when he’s one-on-one with a consultant. So be flexible.
You may like: https://universalcontent.org/childhood/
